Tina Fey

I've been home a lot this week, and between fever-induced hallucinations and nightmares, I've been thinking about one of my favorite daydreams : the one where I'm a cast member on SNL. This daydream usually starts right in the middle, because even with painkillers my mind can't think of a plausible explanation for how I end up on SNL. But it feels really good to be famous.

In real life, when people ask me if I have any acting experience, or when they don't, I like to tell them I played Mary from The Secret Garden when I was twelve. And what makes this foolproof is that no one has ever asked what the play was. They always assume it was The Secret Garden.

The fact is, it wasn't The Secret Garden - it was a one-act musical about ghostbusters investigating a haunted library where book characters (like me) appear out of nowhere. I wasn't supposed to have any lines, but they wrote one for me because if I didn't have anything to say I stared awkwardly into the audience. And my stare really creeps people out. My line was "What are you doing here?" to Colin, the sick boy, who then had a monologue about being locked up and not being able to walk. The boy who played Colin loved Cool Ranch Doritos.

I mention this fact because if the story ever made it this far, I would change the topic from acting to Doritos, a subject I know much more about.