Then Meatcat flies in on his skateboard

I don't remember how I ended up on this part of the internet but I'm glad I did, even though it gave me some pretty intense sensory overload.

Birthday cake you can eat with a spoon? Kraft Macaroni and Cheese popcorn powder? Is the Kraft "What's new!" page better than Wikipedia's page of discontinued cereals? 

While we're at it: Kraft Macaroni and Cheese Crackers! (their friends and their legal team call them KD Crackers)

The Canwich!

Ice cream ramen!

And then my friend pointed out that Jello-flavored birthday cake is not the first birthday cake you can eat with a spoon:

And probably not the last, thank goodness.

10 million things in Portland: the great outdoors edition

I like Portland. Some people have never been. Visit Portland! Here are five of the ten million reasons you should.


Two different people who do not know each other told me that they’ve found a naked man following them around Forest Park but I’ve been there many times and this has never happened to me. I have seen a wedding, and a picnic, and once there was a weird smell and someone said it was sulphur. Maybe those people were talking about sulphur. Maybe it was a metaphor.



Are you incredibly excited by roses? Neither am I. Neither is anyone. But, Portland has a rose garden. Possibly because Portland’s nickname is “City of Roses” or possibly it’s a front for a black-market fertilizer operation.



Just a city block covered in cement with a giant fountain in the center, and a few inches of collected slush from human/fountain residue. One of my friends says Jamison Square Park is “the best birth control ever” but he isn’t a doctor. If you asked a doctor about Jamison Square park they would probably take your blood pressure. Doctors love doing that.



The river might be my favorite great outdoors area. Not the river in the center of Portland, another one. This river is just infested with trees and nature and you can go swimming in it and get carried off in the current and lose your sunglasses and cut your feet but who cares, because swimming in a river is amazing. My friend was in a movie once that was shot at this river and all the actors were naked the entire time. Lots of nudity in this post. I guess that’s a common theme in the great outdoors.



Laurelhurst park has an off-leash dog park, and often men in dresses dance around in the open areas, holding small pieces of wood. Once when I walked through it there was a businessman standing in the middle of a patch of grass, holding a push-broom and staring at me. The leaves are amazing right now.

The tooth fairy isn't real.

I woke up this morning with a half-dollar in my hand and a vague sense of fear.

I'm not talking about half of a dollar bill, or two quarters. I was lying in bed, in my pajamas, holding a really large coin with JFK's profile. I have never seen a half-dollar before this morning, and I don't think I knew they existed. I have seen a Sacajawea coin, but this is not a Sacajawea coin. Enough about Sacajawea coins, and back to this mystery half-dollar. Here are all the possible explanations I can think of.

1. I'm finally collecting money for the wisdom teeth I had removed eight years ago.

2. After months of practice I've become a complete expert in lucid dreaming and brought back this money from another dimension.

3. A stranger put a half dollar in their pocket and put their jeans in the washing machine where the half dollar fell out and stayed there until I did my laundry and then it went into my clothes and stuck to my body. This one seems both the most physically possible (because it doesn't require magic like the others do) but also the least likely.

4. I sleepwalked and went shopping.

5. Time-travel. Either into the future or the past. It seems like a possibility worth adding.

6. Someone broke into my apartment and is living in it and paying a very small amount of rent. I checked the shower and the fridge. I didn't check under the bed. I was too scared.

There is probably actually a really normal explanation for this and when I find out what it is it will be my duty to let the internet know. A lot of other strange things that have happened that turned out to have perfectly normal explanations.

Age 18: Finding a cartoon about myself as a superhero, drawn by a stranger, hidden in a bush on campus. (Someone in my dorm had started drawing a cartoon about me in class. This explanation is not that normal. The others will get better.)

Age 8: A miniature screw that fell from the sky. (It fell out of my glasses.)

Age 14: My band teacher wearing a shirt with the name of my dad's company. (He got it at a thrift store.)

Age 12: A tube of glitter lip gloss with a note that said "Hi Brooke" on my desk in Physical Science. (I had complimented the girl next to me on her lip gloss, so she bought me some.)

Age 25: A box with my name appeared on my doorstep. (I had ordered something online.)