10 million things in Portland: the great outdoors edition

I like Portland. Some people have never been. Visit Portland! Here are five of the ten million reasons you should.


Two different people who do not know each other told me that they’ve found a naked man following them around Forest Park but I’ve been there many times and this has never happened to me. I have seen a wedding, and a picnic, and once there was a weird smell and someone said it was sulphur. Maybe those people were talking about sulphur. Maybe it was a metaphor.



Are you incredibly excited by roses? Neither am I. Neither is anyone. But, Portland has a rose garden. Possibly because Portland’s nickname is “City of Roses” or possibly it’s a front for a black-market fertilizer operation.



Just a city block covered in cement with a giant fountain in the center, and a few inches of collected slush from human/fountain residue. One of my friends says Jamison Square Park is “the best birth control ever” but he isn’t a doctor. If you asked a doctor about Jamison Square park they would probably take your blood pressure. Doctors love doing that.



The river might be my favorite great outdoors area. Not the river in the center of Portland, another one. This river is just infested with trees and nature and you can go swimming in it and get carried off in the current and lose your sunglasses and cut your feet but who cares, because swimming in a river is amazing. My friend was in a movie once that was shot at this river and all the actors were naked the entire time. Lots of nudity in this post. I guess that’s a common theme in the great outdoors.



Laurelhurst park has an off-leash dog park, and often men in dresses dance around in the open areas, holding small pieces of wood. Once when I walked through it there was a businessman standing in the middle of a patch of grass, holding a push-broom and staring at me. The leaves are amazing right now.