August 27, 2012
Hey this is Brooke leave a message
In the last seven days I’ve done two voice-overs for commercials. And no neither of them were paid or intended for a very large audience and yes I work in an industry that requires a lot of voice-overs, but. It seems pretty safe to call this a flourishing career as a voice actor. There are a lot of things that are funny about the fact that I’m incredibly famous now, and only one of that I hate my voice so much I always make my sister record my answering machine message. She would be an amazing voice actor.
August 23, 2012
I put the two w's next to the k in awkward.
Want to see the most unnatural someone can be on camera? I knew it! Our friend has a YouTube show and filmed an episode with us, then edited my hopelessly camera-shy ramblings into what sounds like near-English, at times. It's so short it will take longer to explain than to watch so just watch EXTREME CRAFT CHALLENGE:
August 22, 2012
August 21, 2012
10 million things in Portland: sushi edition
I like Portland. Most people have never been. Visit Portland! Here are four of ten million reasons you should.
aka Sushi Land =
Dollar Sushi is so cheap it comes around on a little conveyor belt and you can be in and out in ten minutes. Disclaimer: I usually get pretty sick after eating here. But I still eat here all the time!! That really says more about me than it does Dollar Sushi.
aka forgot the name of the restaurant =
Expensive Sushi is really steep, but really good? Or so everyone said. Really fresh - so fresh it tastes like eating water, but water is free. I don’t know what really good things taste like, I don’t have the palate for it. In my opinion you’ll get more enjoyment out of just sucking on money. This places is pretty fancy and probably doesn’t accept wet bills, so bring dry money and bring lots of it.
aka Sushi Hana =
French Fry Sushi. Read that again or actually I’ll just write it again: French Fry Sushi. This is a restaurant where you can get sushi with french fries in it. There is a pretty strong possibility that they only made it for us because we were friends with the chef, but still try because, oh my goodness.
aka Sansai =
Normal Sushi make you throw up or broke, doesn’t contain french fries, does contain fish. It’s fine. Here’s the one bad thing about it: how sure are you that you’re pronouncing it right? You’re not that sure.
I didn't even get to tell you about the place where your sushi is served on a small wood boat you don't get to keep - or a new place I just heard about that is really expensive AND really good. Maybe they'll be included in the next 10 million things! Probably not though.
aka Sushi Land =
Dollar Sushi is so cheap it comes around on a little conveyor belt and you can be in and out in ten minutes. Disclaimer: I usually get pretty sick after eating here. But I still eat here all the time!! That really says more about me than it does Dollar Sushi.
aka forgot the name of the restaurant =
Expensive Sushi is really steep, but really good? Or so everyone said. Really fresh - so fresh it tastes like eating water, but water is free. I don’t know what really good things taste like, I don’t have the palate for it. In my opinion you’ll get more enjoyment out of just sucking on money. This places is pretty fancy and probably doesn’t accept wet bills, so bring dry money and bring lots of it.
aka Sushi Hana =
French Fry Sushi. Read that again or actually I’ll just write it again: French Fry Sushi. This is a restaurant where you can get sushi with french fries in it. There is a pretty strong possibility that they only made it for us because we were friends with the chef, but still try because, oh my goodness.
aka Sansai =
Normal Sushi make you throw up or broke, doesn’t contain french fries, does contain fish. It’s fine. Here’s the one bad thing about it: how sure are you that you’re pronouncing it right? You’re not that sure.
I didn't even get to tell you about the place where your sushi is served on a small wood boat you don't get to keep - or a new place I just heard about that is really expensive AND really good. Maybe they'll be included in the next 10 million things! Probably not though.
August 17, 2012
What can make me feel this way
The song my coworkers and friends and coworker friends have to hear me sing endlessly and loudly eyes closed tapping on other people's desks all week usually depends on what the grocery store plays on Monday. The grocery store was good to us this week.
August 16, 2012
Day 1 is the hardest
I don’t usually give away much personal information here but get ready for a confession: there have been maybe twelve days in the last year when I didn’t eat an entire medium-sized bag of almond M&Ms. Second confession: that was a lie. I’ve gone four days. I know exactly which four they were.
Sometimes people ask if not having a good sense of smell affects my sense of taste, and all I can really answer is I don’t know? But if it does, that might explain why I can stomach things like mayonnaise pizza and cream cheese sandwiches, and why I love Sriracha, and why I LOVE ALMOND M&MS. And why when I’m adding sugar to my drink at Starbucks I always pretend to slip and accidentally pour three times a normal amount in, and no one’s falling for it anymore.
My doctor says milk chocolate affects your running abilities, my mom says my bones are shrinking, and my dentist says candy is bad for your teeth whether you floss or not and they’re probably all wrong, but I think I should eat less sugar.
So in my lowest moment I called my sister Drew, who just went thirty days without sugar and ended her thirty days with a small root beer float she shared with my mom. Besides that pathetic re-entry to sugar, I’m impressed with her, and I wanted her advice.
“What day are you on?” she asked.
I guess I’m starting right now - I’m on day one.
“Ohhhhhhh...” she winced audibly. “Day one is the hardest.”
This is a waffle with butter, maple syrup, Nutella, whip cream, chocolate syrup, caramel syrup, mini marshmallows, sprinkles, and powdered sugar. It's gluten-free so you know it's healthy. Also Nutella is made with real hazelnuts.
Sometimes people ask if not having a good sense of smell affects my sense of taste, and all I can really answer is I don’t know? But if it does, that might explain why I can stomach things like mayonnaise pizza and cream cheese sandwiches, and why I love Sriracha, and why I LOVE ALMOND M&MS. And why when I’m adding sugar to my drink at Starbucks I always pretend to slip and accidentally pour three times a normal amount in, and no one’s falling for it anymore.
My doctor says milk chocolate affects your running abilities, my mom says my bones are shrinking, and my dentist says candy is bad for your teeth whether you floss or not and they’re probably all wrong, but I think I should eat less sugar.
So in my lowest moment I called my sister Drew, who just went thirty days without sugar and ended her thirty days with a small root beer float she shared with my mom. Besides that pathetic re-entry to sugar, I’m impressed with her, and I wanted her advice.
“What day are you on?” she asked.
I guess I’m starting right now - I’m on day one.
“Ohhhhhhh...” she winced audibly. “Day one is the hardest.”
This is a waffle with butter, maple syrup, Nutella, whip cream, chocolate syrup, caramel syrup, mini marshmallows, sprinkles, and powdered sugar. It's gluten-free so you know it's healthy. Also Nutella is made with real hazelnuts.
August 14, 2012
10 million things in Portland: ice cream edition
I like Portland. Some people have never been. Visit Portland! Here are five of the ten million reasons you should.
L - R
Salt & Straw is FANCY and everyone LOVES IT so the lines are usually two hours long. Two hours is a pretty long time to wait for ice cream, but if you do it you can get cheese-flavored ice cream, or ice cream with flowers or gingerbread men or salt or some other crazy things. I’m only good at complaining about the lines at Salt and Straw when I’m far away. When you get close you can smell it and then it changes to “Youguysyouguysyouguys let’s go get in that line.” Sorry guys.
L - R
I think Cool Moon is the BEST because it is the cheapest and there are no lines, and sometimes they have good flavors. Sometimes not, whatever. Cool Moon has curry-flavored ice cream. It’s not good, but it’s there. Sometimes I accidentally call it Blue Moon, which is a bar in Portland. Sometimes I accidentally call it Moon which is a rock orbiting our planet just kidding that would be way off and is not even funny or logical onto the next review.
L - R
Fifty Licks has some weird flavors, mostly bad-weird. It’s a matter of choosing the least-offensive thing on the menu, or the one without onions or quail eggs. Whichever of those is least offensive to you.
L - R
Ruby Jewel showed up on my radar so recently that I've only been once, but here goes. Like every other ice cream place on this list, the flavors at Ruby Jewel are small batch, so you never know what they're going to have. They advertise ice cream cookie sandwiches, which I assumed I couldn't eat, until I noticed the cookies are gluten-free. Of course the cookies are gluten-free. My friend Chelsea has a Ruby Jewel frequent PINTS card, but ten get one free, and has already earned two free ones.
L - R
Salt & Straw is FANCY and everyone LOVES IT so the lines are usually two hours long. Two hours is a pretty long time to wait for ice cream, but if you do it you can get cheese-flavored ice cream, or ice cream with flowers or gingerbread men or salt or some other crazy things. I’m only good at complaining about the lines at Salt and Straw when I’m far away. When you get close you can smell it and then it changes to “Youguysyouguysyouguys let’s go get in that line.” Sorry guys.
L - R
I think Cool Moon is the BEST because it is the cheapest and there are no lines, and sometimes they have good flavors. Sometimes not, whatever. Cool Moon has curry-flavored ice cream. It’s not good, but it’s there. Sometimes I accidentally call it Blue Moon, which is a bar in Portland. Sometimes I accidentally call it Moon which is a rock orbiting our planet just kidding that would be way off and is not even funny or logical onto the next review.
L - R
Fifty Licks has some weird flavors, mostly bad-weird. It’s a matter of choosing the least-offensive thing on the menu, or the one without onions or quail eggs. Whichever of those is least offensive to you.
L - R
Ruby Jewel showed up on my radar so recently that I've only been once, but here goes. Like every other ice cream place on this list, the flavors at Ruby Jewel are small batch, so you never know what they're going to have. They advertise ice cream cookie sandwiches, which I assumed I couldn't eat, until I noticed the cookies are gluten-free. Of course the cookies are gluten-free. My friend Chelsea has a Ruby Jewel frequent PINTS card, but ten get one free, and has already earned two free ones.
August 13, 2012
I high-fived a stranger and they put a hex on me
Today in internet news: two of my really awesome friends have a podcast and they let me talk with them on it.
One important story I didn't get to was this: once when I was driving back from my first job, I was two hours from home in middle-of-nowhere Minnesota and got lost.
I pulled over to the side of this sketchy empty road to look for a map in my trunk, no luck. I tried to call my mom, but my pay-as-you-go phone hadn't been paid as I went and was out of minutes. I set the phone on top of my car (FORESHADOWING) and walked around the street a ways, looking for a mirage or spirit animal to guide me. Once I picked a direction I got back in the car, and drove away with my cell phone still on the roof and it flew off into the forest never to be seen again until it appeared under one of our couch cushions six years later!!
That's the really good kind of story, where you're dragged through a lot of details and then the last dozen words so random and not logical and I just say "Look how big cell phones were in 2005!" and you sit there blinking and I say go listen to the podcast, it's a lot better. And I'm the last guest.
Left: new cell phone, Right: sneak-attack magic lost cell phone from 2005
One important story I didn't get to was this: once when I was driving back from my first job, I was two hours from home in middle-of-nowhere Minnesota and got lost.
I pulled over to the side of this sketchy empty road to look for a map in my trunk, no luck. I tried to call my mom, but my pay-as-you-go phone hadn't been paid as I went and was out of minutes. I set the phone on top of my car (FORESHADOWING) and walked around the street a ways, looking for a mirage or spirit animal to guide me. Once I picked a direction I got back in the car, and drove away with my cell phone still on the roof and it flew off into the forest never to be seen again until it appeared under one of our couch cushions six years later!!
That's the really good kind of story, where you're dragged through a lot of details and then the last dozen words so random and not logical and I just say "Look how big cell phones were in 2005!" and you sit there blinking and I say go listen to the podcast, it's a lot better. And I'm the last guest.
Left: new cell phone, Right: sneak-attack magic lost cell phone from 2005
August 10, 2012
What's a pirate's favorite beverage?
SECURITY BREACH yesterday I was trying to figure out what kind of spider had bit me and then before I had time to really think about what I was doing I was on WebMD debating whether to treat myself for scurvy or albinism.
WebMD asked me if I had visible parasites on my body, and if the pain was made worse when I touched it with a rose thorn, assuring me that there are people in the world with even worse judgement than I have. If you select "visible parasite" the app gives you the diagnosis: "You may have parasites." I love imagining someone reading that and then going "Parasites, you say!? You think these visible parasites might be caused by... parasites?! Well I don't want to go jumping to conclusions. I'll just keep rubbing this rose thorn on my skin."
Have you ever looked at about.com's user-submitted dermatology photo gallery? Don't. I'm not even going to link to it, for your own protection. But here are some pictures of me in a bikini.
Now I'm off to eat some oranges. That scurvy isn't going to take care of itself.
WebMD asked me if I had visible parasites on my body, and if the pain was made worse when I touched it with a rose thorn, assuring me that there are people in the world with even worse judgement than I have. If you select "visible parasite" the app gives you the diagnosis: "You may have parasites." I love imagining someone reading that and then going "Parasites, you say!? You think these visible parasites might be caused by... parasites?! Well I don't want to go jumping to conclusions. I'll just keep rubbing this rose thorn on my skin."
Have you ever looked at about.com's user-submitted dermatology photo gallery? Don't. I'm not even going to link to it, for your own protection. But here are some pictures of me in a bikini.
Now I'm off to eat some oranges. That scurvy isn't going to take care of itself.
August 9, 2012
Why my first email address was brookestia@hotmail.com
Did you create an alter-ego goddess persona when you were 13? So did I.
A brief period of infatuation with Greek mythology and a desperate need to boost my self esteem got together and out of Zeus' head snuck Brookestia, Goddess of Fun.
In case you're not following, here is an excerpt from the beginning of an 8th-grade English paper:
"Brookestia is the coolest goddess on Mount Olympus but she doesn't brag, that's how cool she is." (Brookestia obviously had next to nothing in common with Brooke, who had to worry about people tying her shoelaces together during Wildlife Sciences and who didn't know how to open a pop can without getting blood in her Sprite.)
Legend had it that Brookestia unseated Norman, God of Boring (not the most popular god) and also totally swagged out his throne after she took it over. Her first miracle was the water slide.
In her notes my English teacher reccommentded I join the extra-curricular writing club or see the school counselor. I did both, because they sounded exciting. And exciting is fun, and fun is something Brookestia knows a lot about.
A brief period of infatuation with Greek mythology and a desperate need to boost my self esteem got together and out of Zeus' head snuck Brookestia, Goddess of Fun.
In case you're not following, here is an excerpt from the beginning of an 8th-grade English paper:
"Brookestia is the coolest goddess on Mount Olympus but she doesn't brag, that's how cool she is." (Brookestia obviously had next to nothing in common with Brooke, who had to worry about people tying her shoelaces together during Wildlife Sciences and who didn't know how to open a pop can without getting blood in her Sprite.)
Legend had it that Brookestia unseated Norman, God of Boring (not the most popular god) and also totally swagged out his throne after she took it over. Her first miracle was the water slide.
In her notes my English teacher reccommentded I join the extra-curricular writing club or see the school counselor. I did both, because they sounded exciting. And exciting is fun, and fun is something Brookestia knows a lot about.
August 7, 2012
Yesterday the mail woman called me "hey little one"
More things I thought of while I was scanning: holding doors for people, the Olympics, socks.
August 6, 2012
The only thing I like getting compliments about
My sister's voicemail last night:
August 1, 2012
Also I saw a unicycling blue-haired man smoking a pipe.
Today I was walking down the street and put my arm out to see if it was raining and less than a second later was nearly run over by some sort of bike-taxi.
"You hailed me?"
Nice one, Portland.
It wasn't raining, in case the suspense was killing you.
"You hailed me?"
Nice one, Portland.
It wasn't raining, in case the suspense was killing you.
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