A couple months ago I enrolled in a night class my neighbor teaches, entitled "Things that do not work to calm a screaming baby." I had never been super eager to learn these skills, but the course comes with an apartment, which is something I was looking for anyway. Here are my notes from last night.
shut up
be quiet already
stop it already
shut up already
stop it
quiet
shut up
quiet
shut up
be quiet
quiet
shut up
AAAAAAAAAAAA
shut up
I can't take it anymore!
stop crying
stop it
shut up already
you know better than that
calm down
shut up
stop acting like a crazy person!
December 19, 2011
December 14, 2011
not all girls can cook
You know you've lived in Southern California long enough when you start drinking soymilk instead of regular milk for absolutely no reason. And I do. I'm not ashamed of it and at the same time I am very ashamed.
My diet consists mostly of soymilk, edamame, coconut water, Greek yogurt, organic dried mangoes, homemade gluten-free granola, and spinach leaves. Eighteen-year old Brooke hates me. Actually every age of Brooke except twenty-four hates me.
Actually twenty-four-year-old Brooke hates me as well. But it's the purest, most organic soy-hate. It costs three times as much and only stays fresh for two days. Every time I shake my fist with hatred, proceeds go to an attractive turtle in the Galapagos Islands.
The next two pictures were taken while listening to this so they'll probably look best if looked at while listening to it as well.
Macaroni and cheese with chocolate milk instead of regular: good idea or bad?
At least I still eat Kraft macaroni and cheese? Sorry attractive turtles. But I just buy it so I can mix that orange "cheese" sauce with chocolate soymilk and gluten-free brown rice pasta. Sorry people trying to respect me.
My diet consists mostly of soymilk, edamame, coconut water, Greek yogurt, organic dried mangoes, homemade gluten-free granola, and spinach leaves. Eighteen-year old Brooke hates me. Actually every age of Brooke except twenty-four hates me.
Actually twenty-four-year-old Brooke hates me as well. But it's the purest, most organic soy-hate. It costs three times as much and only stays fresh for two days. Every time I shake my fist with hatred, proceeds go to an attractive turtle in the Galapagos Islands.
The next two pictures were taken while listening to this so they'll probably look best if looked at while listening to it as well.
Macaroni and cheese with chocolate milk instead of regular: good idea or bad?
At least I still eat Kraft macaroni and cheese? Sorry attractive turtles. But I just buy it so I can mix that orange "cheese" sauce with chocolate soymilk and gluten-free brown rice pasta. Sorry people trying to respect me.
December 11, 2011
can your lipstick do this?
Today I had nothing on my calendar so I wrote "wear red lipstick" and I walked around town for three hours in silent protest of my shin splints that don't let me run anymore. No word from the shin splints yet but I think they go the message.
About once a week I wear my hair in a weird freakish-looking bun on top of my head, which makes people do this hilarious thing where they say "Hey Brookeeeeee..." When they hit the Br we solidly lock eyes and by the ee's they've trailed up six inches to the top of my head and just kind of rest there.
I feel like I owe it to the rest of my sex, who are greeted with eye contact and a glance twelve inches down no matter how they wear their hair. It's the least I can do.
But today I did the lipstick. Nothing exciting happened except that THREE people asked if I could read things for them because they had forgotten their glasses. That's three more than usual.
One woman asked me to read the size on a shoe she was trying on. She couldn't figure out why all of the shoes were so big. I pointed out she was in the men's section and she got very flustered and thanked me. She really should not be leaving home without her glasses.
One woman asked me to read her horoscope to her. It said she should take more time to herself. Is it just me or are horoscopes and fortune cookies getting fluffier than they used to? What happened to the horoscopes that said things like "If you wear red lipstick on the 10th you will get hit by a car? And if I can't trust a horoscope to let me know something like that, who can I trust? Scary times.
If I do get hit by a car, I have a feeling the woman in the men's shoe section will be driving it.
About once a week I wear my hair in a weird freakish-looking bun on top of my head, which makes people do this hilarious thing where they say "Hey Brookeeeeee..." When they hit the Br we solidly lock eyes and by the ee's they've trailed up six inches to the top of my head and just kind of rest there.
I feel like I owe it to the rest of my sex, who are greeted with eye contact and a glance twelve inches down no matter how they wear their hair. It's the least I can do.
But today I did the lipstick. Nothing exciting happened except that THREE people asked if I could read things for them because they had forgotten their glasses. That's three more than usual.
One woman asked me to read the size on a shoe she was trying on. She couldn't figure out why all of the shoes were so big. I pointed out she was in the men's section and she got very flustered and thanked me. She really should not be leaving home without her glasses.
One woman asked me to read her horoscope to her. It said she should take more time to herself. Is it just me or are horoscopes and fortune cookies getting fluffier than they used to? What happened to the horoscopes that said things like "If you wear red lipstick on the 10th you will get hit by a car? And if I can't trust a horoscope to let me know something like that, who can I trust? Scary times.
If I do get hit by a car, I have a feeling the woman in the men's shoe section will be driving it.
December 5, 2011
what did I do to you
There are a lot of stray cats in the area I run in. And while I still have a lot to learn about them, I have finally gotten to the bottom of one thing: I know why people started thinking that a black cat crossing your path is unlucky.
Cats give you this look, pretty much all the time, and especially when you pass them, a look that says "Oh man, you are NOT going to like what's going to happen to you now."
This is what a thousand words of that looks like:
And now that I'm on the subject of cats I'm so tempted to add some cat videos.
This is what restraint looks like.
Cats give you this look, pretty much all the time, and especially when you pass them, a look that says "Oh man, you are NOT going to like what's going to happen to you now."
This is what a thousand words of that looks like:
And now that I'm on the subject of cats I'm so tempted to add some cat videos.
This is what restraint looks like.
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