How about it, Science?

I've only had trouble sleeping twice - once when our fire alarm kept going off every thirty seconds and once when I found out every season of Arrested Development was on Hulu - but sometimes when I'm very tired and want the best sleep ever, I like taking ZzzQuil. Because ZzzQuil is like a party drug for people who like partying alone in their pajamas drinking tea and waking up feeling amazing.

Also because sometimes I feel just a little cheated for growing up when scientists have already told us we can't mess around with fun dangerous things people used to do, like leeches and electroshock therapy and soda. Just based on the way it's spelled we know ZzzQuil is probably horrible for us, but no scientist has said it for SURE yet. At least, not right to my face. 

Ten hours of sleep and no dreams! Not even that recurring dream where I can sense a nearby object's weight instead of its color, smell, or texture! That dream makes me dizzy all morning.

Advice of the day: public restroom etiquette

Here are the very-best decoy moves for when there's someone washing their hands at the sinks, and the only reason you came into the bathroom was to check how your hair was looking but you don't want anyone to know how obsessed you are with your hair.

Pretend there's something in your eye. 

This was my go-to from the day I got contact lenses to the day I realized it looked incredibly strange and required a lot more acting skills than I have.

Wash your hands. 

Oh no, EMERGENCY. I need to run to the bathroom for the express purpose of washing my hands, and while I'm here I might as well quickly check out my hair. What did I just touch? Who knows. Something horrible probably.

Get paper towels. 

Nothing to see here, just grabbing a handful of paper towels and then throwing them away.

Pretend to blow your nose. 

For some reason blowing your nose in front of the person at the sink is more acceptable than checking your hair. The reason is that it's less vain.

Ask them if they've seen a phone. 

More as part of a survey. Don't do this if you're holding your phone. If you're holding your phone you can ask them if they know what the date is, or if there's enough soap in the soap dispenser, or who the fifth president of the United States was, or whatever you think of first.

Wash spilled food off your shirt. 

Whichever food you spilled on it most recently. 

The old "count imaginary things around the room and nod." 

Nod very slowly while looking upwards then leave. Are you looking for something? Are you insane? Did you just walk into the bathroom to check your hair and now that there's someone here you don't know what to do? Who knows. You seem totally normal to me.