How about it, Science?

I've only had trouble sleeping twice - once when our fire alarm kept going off every thirty seconds and once when I found out every season of Arrested Development was on Hulu - but sometimes when I'm very tired and want the best sleep ever, I like taking ZzzQuil. Because ZzzQuil is like a party drug for people who like partying alone in their pajamas drinking tea and waking up feeling amazing.

Also because sometimes I feel just a little cheated for growing up when scientists have already told us we can't mess around with fun dangerous things people used to do, like leeches and electroshock therapy and soda. Just based on the way it's spelled we know ZzzQuil is probably horrible for us, but no scientist has said it for SURE yet. At least, not right to my face. 

Ten hours of sleep and no dreams! Not even that recurring dream where I can sense a nearby object's weight instead of its color, smell, or texture! That dream makes me dizzy all morning.