I'm glowing so much I can see in the dark.

Before you get a facial the person (spa person? spatrician?) sits with a clipboard and asks you loads of questions. Questions like "What skin products do you use?" and "What's your favorite part of the facial?"

"Probably when it's over," I answered, and regretted it immediately because it made me sound like a teenager describing a nosebleed. But I'd rather be the one with the clipboard asking loads of questions. Questions like "By skin products, do you mean products for my skin or products made of skin?"

You're not supposed to ask questions during a facial. Once I asked "What color is my face right now?" and the spatrician just laughed. So I had plenty of time to think about the answers to her clipboard questions, with time left over to think about what umbrellas would look like if wind went up instead of sideways, and what comebacks I would make to hypothetical insults, and what animals mixed together would create the perfect animal. Here are my answers.

I hardly use any products made of skin. I have one jacket that looks like leather, but it's actually black plastic. In fact, it doesn't even look like leather.

My favorite part of a facial is when it's over because there are some things I like best before and after they happen. Also on this list are square dancing, baking, and looking at a photo of a blue whale on the internet. I look forward to these activities, and I talk about them for days afterward. Sometimes I even blog about them. But during them, you have no idea what color your face is. And that's the worst.

The world's cutest animal would be a combination of a loris, panda, meerkat, and otter. It's really complicated and I don't have time to draw it right now, and when I do it will be so cute you may cry. This photo of a blue whale will give you CHILLS. If you send me a photo of you sitting down to prove you are sitting down, I will send it to you.