Things I would run 120 miles for

The gym I joined a while ago so people would stop complaining about me running at night (I’m training to outrun murderers) is so amazing I can’t believe I didn’t invent it myself: the exercise machines power the building, finally, and for every 20 hours you work out you get a free grilled cheese sandwich.

Here it is in its own paragraph: for every 20 hours you work out you get a free grilled cheese sandwich.


(They have gluten-free sandwiches)

Even though it should be the most popular place in the world, the gym is usually pretty empty except for me and a blonde girl that is literally always there with a hot pink Spacemaker case filled with exercise secrets. A few people make occasional appearances: a middle-aged woman that tries every day to do a pull-up but has never been successful, a couple doing something that looks like yoga-dance, and that sweaty woman riding the elliptical backwards with no hands.

Obviously for the first few weeks I was a member I tried to maximize my returns and work out enough hours that my grilled cheese would pay for my membership in a world where gym memberships are paid with sandwiches. When I wasn’t running I was leaning against walls, sleeping 14 hours a night, and eating entire bags of cashews I found in a drawer and I hate cashews.

Do you tie your shoes the regular way? There are so many ways to tie them it’s like hiring a shoe tailor, if that metaphor is applicable to you. How much would you pay me for a grilled cheese sandwich? If there were a little sweat on it would it be worth more or less?