I brush it 100 times a day

I was at Target buying a swimsuit for a trip with my grandmother. I'll give you a minute to get over how much my life rocks.

And we're back. I was test-driving my swimsuit in the booth/stall/whatever when a group of girls took all the stalls around me to do the same thing. The second they closed the doors you could hear this:

"Oh man, I have so much hair on my back."

"Look at this weird shape my stomach makes."

"Is my butt made of HAM? Seriously though. Gross."

As I exited my dressing room (that's what it is) I shielded my eyes to protect myself from what I assumed would be the ugliest-looking group of girls in the world. I was relieved to see that three perfectly normal and pretty-looking girls were blocking the monsters from my view. That's a poorly executed multi-level joke and probably too complex for this story so I'll break it down: these girls who had been shouting about how ugly they were so loudly that all of North Carolina and everyone in the electronics area could hear them, actually looked fine.

Hey half the population of the world: stop hitting yourself.

You and the other half the earth's population are going to have enough people in your life saying bad things about you that you don't need to be one of them. Some day some jerk is going to walk up behind you with a magnifying glass and tell you your back is super hairy. When it comes down to it, no one's got your back but you. I don't care if you're doing it because other people are doing it, or you're fishing for compliments, or your parents are sea slugs and you really are just that hideous: talking yourself down all the time is unattractive.

Do you hate your nose? Smell this: your nose is great. Does your butt look like it's made of ham? Ham is one of the best deli meats. Does your friend have better wrists than you? Chances are, she isn't you. My grandmother rocks a vintage olive green swimsuit like she's on the front or back cover of Sports Illustrated.

So you're at Target, you're in the dressing room I guess, you look in the mirror, and you look terrific. That's all.

Of course I'd be a strange choice of spokesperson for this movement, because I've got a smokin' hot bod. And I've never seen my back, but I bet the hair on it is thick, silky, and lustrous.