brought to you by 40 apples

The other day at the grocery store someone had abandoned a table with energy cube samples - tiny silver-wrapped squares of pure organic energy and now I have two handfuls of them.

An energy cube tastes like a Starburst if a Starburst tasted like vitamins and sand instead of like sugary imaginary fruit. And if you can bear to swallow them they give you energy the natural way. Quercetin.

What is quercetin? My ten minutes of research was inconclusive. But one energy cube contains as much quercetin as 40 apples! That's right, to quote the company's website "to get the equivalent you'd have to be willing - and able - to eat 40 apples in a sitting."

During a STUDY where quercetin was administered to four college students, one SUBJECT claimed to have a slightly better day. No report on how the students in the CONTROL GROUP compared but unless they ate nine apple pies for breakfast, they probably didn't get enough quercetin. The words in bold indicate that this is SCIENCE.

I have no idea what Vitamin "Sprinkles" are but expect a review of them soon.

A stranger punched me - the way a friend would punch.

I've been writing every day since I was ten and I don't look at the old parts very often. When I do I find things like this:

“Also I am planning on hosting (is that a word?) a circus.”

- age 10 

“A stranger punched me in the hall today, the way a friend would punch! I need to find them.”
- age 13

“Don’t treat me like a child. I am two months away from possibly having a learner’s permit.”
- age 14

“Three wishes: lots of money, be really pretty, don’t really need a third wish.”
- age 15

“I feel so lonely and angry and no one understands me. I also have a pretty solid tan.”
- age 17

Things I would run 120 miles for

The gym I joined a while ago so people would stop complaining about me running at night (I’m training to outrun murderers) is so amazing I can’t believe I didn’t invent it myself: the exercise machines power the building, finally, and for every 20 hours you work out you get a free grilled cheese sandwich.

Here it is in its own paragraph: for every 20 hours you work out you get a free grilled cheese sandwich.


(They have gluten-free sandwiches)

Even though it should be the most popular place in the world, the gym is usually pretty empty except for me and a blonde girl that is literally always there with a hot pink Spacemaker case filled with exercise secrets. A few people make occasional appearances: a middle-aged woman that tries every day to do a pull-up but has never been successful, a couple doing something that looks like yoga-dance, and that sweaty woman riding the elliptical backwards with no hands.

Obviously for the first few weeks I was a member I tried to maximize my returns and work out enough hours that my grilled cheese would pay for my membership in a world where gym memberships are paid with sandwiches. When I wasn’t running I was leaning against walls, sleeping 14 hours a night, and eating entire bags of cashews I found in a drawer and I hate cashews.

Do you tie your shoes the regular way? There are so many ways to tie them it’s like hiring a shoe tailor, if that metaphor is applicable to you. How much would you pay me for a grilled cheese sandwich? If there were a little sweat on it would it be worth more or less?

People I like when I have a bruise on my face

People who somehow can't see it

Lately I'll be talking to a stranger - a girl walking a dog, or a cashier, or a woman on the bus eating Cheez-its dipped in hummus - and I'll realize something's off: they're treating me normally. Because they have a superpower that allows them to not notice things on people's faces. These people are incredible and I never knew it until this week. I wish there were a parade for them. I wish there were a celebratory breakfast. If I become a scientist and invent a pill that simultaneously cures the hiccups and gives you a tan I will name it after these people.

People who act like they can't see it

"Hellooooooo! What a nice… earrings! Wow! Are those real diamonds? You have fantastic ears has anyone told you that? Ears are great for hearing and hearing is better than seeing, who needs seeing not me I'm not looking at ANYTHING right now not looking at anything at ALL!"

People who tell me embarrassing stories about themselves

I learned once that pets and babies are the two things that make people break social norms, but add "temporary face injuries" to that list because all lists should have at least three things. Strangers come up and tell me about accidents with baseballs and bikes and bunk beds and coworkers show me bruises they got from running into doorknobs, and holding people's hands too tightly, and trying to jump on a glass table. Both those lists have three things.

People who make jokes

Do you think you have a good joke? I would love to hear it. Go ahead and swing for the fences because guess who has been spending two hundred times as long thinking about this topic? Me! Chin-girl! I have an endless amount of material. Very few people can say that they woke up this morning knowing exactly what 100% of their conversations were going to be about. I can say it. It hurts a little to say, because my jaw is still pretty swollen. But I can.