infused with sriracha and chocolate milk

We're always looking for new experiments to do and the latest is four weeks of… infusions?

There's been some debate about whether it's a blood transfusion or an infusion and I'm going with infusion, because I think it's the right answer and because it sounds like a day spa. A day spa that pumps you with fresh warm blood from a stranger and sucks your old news blood out into a plastic bag for an afternoon while the side effects make your veins itch and make your lips cold and make you dizzy and imaginative for hours. Or that's what I read. Reading about medical procedures online before they happen is the worst thing you can possibly do, because it makes it feel like you're getting whatever terrible thing done a thousand times instead of four times. 

I feel pretty ok already, but my doctor says I don't know what pretty ok feels like. After a few weeks of... infusions, I'll feel ten times better than I feel now. Ten times better! 

All these years I've been operating at ten percent capacity - no one has ever seen extra-strength Brooke before. I'll be able to run for years, my jokes will be so funny, I bet I'll finally be able to do that thing where you make your tongue into a straw. I can't wait. And while I'm waiting, I can't stop reading these descriptions online.

Look how that picture breaks up the text!

I need to rest my mouth for a week

After fifteen years of off-and-on practice, I finally learned to blow bubbles with bubble gum last week and have not stopped since. Besides a super-muscular jawline, I've also gained an interest in every single variety of bubble gum. Have you gained an interest how the most popular six brands stack up using a very complicated and unexplained rating system? Today is your lucky day.


Bubble Yum Original
This is the very best. I think it tastes delicious. The pieces are the size of a small hamburger which seems way too big at first but ends up being just right and so easy for blowing bubbles: both the smooth matte kind and the clear shiny kind that look like pink soap bubbles. I think the difference depends on how long you've been chewing it, but I'm not sure because I'm still sort of new at this.
bubbles:⚫⚫⚫⚫⚫
taste: ⚫⚫
packaging:⚫⚫

Hubba Bubba Bubble tape
Bubble Tape tastes like flour even though the ingredients actually consist of eight different types of sugar, also misleading because it doesn't taste even close to as sweet as all the other kinds. You tape-measure out three times the amount you think you would need and after about a minute, when it tastes like chewing on a band-aid, you can blow a few really sad bubbles.
bubbles:☹
taste:⚫
packaging:⚫⚫

Orbit Bubblemint
I tested this and then forgot about it so I'm kind of guessing on these numbers. Average? I wondered at first if Bubblemint was a flavor of gum instead of a bubble gum, but it is bubble gum. End of review.
bubbles: ⚫?
taste: ⚫?
packaging:⚫

Trident Bubblegum
Just the worst. I can't blow any bubbles with Trident, and end up making weird wet spitting noises. It also makes you feel sort of sick if you chew it on an empty stomach. And who has time for eating when there are so many types of bubble gum to test-drive? Unfortunately Trident was 2-for-the-price-of-1 when I went of my gum-buying-spree so I have so much of it, but fortunately I've found cutting it with a slice of Extra makes blowing bubbles way easier.
bubbles: ☹
taste: ☹
packaging: ☹

Ice Breakers Ice Cubes Bubble Breeze
Not even the square plastic container or the sparkly illustration of a gum-cube with a mint leaf or the fact that these look like soap-colored rocks with little blue flecks prepared me for how completely disgusting this would be.
bubbles: unknown, couldn't survive taste
taste: ☹
packaging: ☹

Extra Classic Bubble
Does "extra" imply that the flavor lasts extra-long? Nevermind I just checked the package and it says exactly that. In real life Extra flavor fades extra-fast, which is perfect because you can't blow bubbles until all the taste is gone anyway. I think the bubbles are even better than Bubble Yum, which at this point is really only in the lead because of the cool-looking duck on the package. Also I Extra tastes sort of like medicine, but I don't know what tastes like anything anymore.
bubbles: ⚫⚫⚫⚫
taste: ☹
packaging: ⚫

goat with beautiful eyes

Today a woman came up to me and stood really really close to me then even closer and said "I love that one of your eyes has a blue square in it!" so I wrote her off as insane, along with the man with a blanket at the crosswalk who told me "Today is a beautiful day to die!" and the taxi driver who told me that every time I sneeze my life is shortened by one heartbeat. And I hoped for her well-being until I remembered her in the bathroom hours later and looked in the mirror and realized she was right.

I need you to answer all these questions but you can answer them in any order you want.

1. Do eyes go blue the way hair goes gray?
2. Can I see the color blue better now? I hadn't noticed, but I also haven't looked at many blue things recently.
3. Do your eyes have blue squares in them? They might now, or they might tomorrow.



If you search "goat with beautiful eyes" that is the first photo that comes up. And this is the fifth:

cake isn't even one of them.

My doctor says that we could do a bone marrow biopsy but that there's no need because I had one recently.

A bone marrow biopsy is where they drill a hole into your back and pull out a chunk of your bones, to look at the liquid inside them. The drill they use to drill through bones is extremely loud. And then while you're lying there and the drugs are wearing off, the doctor will bring by the piece of your bone, now outside of your body, and show it to you even though you asked not to see. The scar from my bone marrow biopsy is almost invisible now which is too bad because it was my favorite scar. So I don't need a bone marrow biopsy.

"But we COULD." My doctor says, as though it might be a good back-up plan if there aren't any promising movies coming out this weekend. "And it would be so easy because you're skinny, we could do it easy."

Now I'm deciding which of my remaining scars is my favorite and there aren't a lot to chose from. I'm wondering if I should begin husbanding large cats or enroll in a left-handed welding class so my skin will have more stories to tell. My doctor is still talking about bone marrow biopsies.

"And old skinny women - oh man. There's nothing better than doing bone marrow biopsies on old skinny women. Their bones are as soft as cake."

I can think of about 48 thousand better things.

30,078 pineapple-flavored foods

30,079 seeing a feral cat

30,080 getting sand in your eyes

30,081 trying to match a ton of similar-but-slightly-different socks

30,082 when you're not sure if someone is a man or a woman

30,083 free shipping

30,084 saving enough ice cream punches to get a free cone

30,085 new jeans that dye your legs blue

30,086 accidentally shutting the car door on your seat belt

30,087 heather gray

30,088 the number four

30,089 guessing the next word in a song you don't know